And in a flash, I’m back to work!
My time on parental leave has been both rewarding and challenging in equal measure and I am grateful for having had the opportunity. Watching our little guy explore the world around him and build his personality has been a constant joy.
However, as my 6 months drew to a close in August last year, I was sad that I would be swapping baby-time for office-time but also disappointed that I hadn’t witnessed the shift in society around paternity that I was hoping for.
In this article I will explore what I’ve learnt, what surprised me and how we can use the power of partnership to break the age-old male and female stereotypes.
What have I learnt?
Like most new parents, the biggest life lesson I learnt in the early months was how much impact a new born can have on your life. Some changes are obvious and expected such as lack of sleep and learning how to keep a small human alive, others were more subtle such as trying to find quality time with your loved one in the madness of diapers and bottles!
Beyond the microcosm of our new family, there were other additional forces at play that I had not foreseen. Whilst most of the support we received was excellent, there were some interesting conversations with medical professionals around breast-feeding and post-natal care which suggested even in the medical arena, we do not fully comprehend the tough mental journey most mums go through in the months that follow childbirth.
I have always admired the female leaders who have managed and guided me over the years but now seeing them through the lens of a parent (especially through the eyes of my superstar wife) has given me a newfound appreciation for what they have achieved. In a world still predominantly run by men, these working mums in every profession are slowly starting to turn the tides. More power to you.
What surprised me?
Being someone who has grown up in an age of fierce debate around gender equality, I was looking forward to seeing some of that reflected during my parental leave. Swapping parental leave stories with other recent dads; laughing about how we are having to mime all the nursery rhyme songs during Baby Rhyme Time, these were experiences I hoped for.
Apparently, the old stereotype is dying a slow death...
There were no dads to be seen during my mid-week baby activities and few dads to count amongst my work colleagues, friends or pre-natal class that I could compare my parental leave experience with (most did 1-2 weeks and went back to work).
This saddens me from a societal perspective as how can we expect equality for women if men don’t break out of their own stereotype as provider first and father second? I don’t subscribe to the theory that dads who take shorter parental leaves are poorer fathers, but is the legacy my generation wants to leave behind one that advocates career advancement for women but no concession from men?
This is an equation that does not balance and if we’re serious in the battle for equality, needs to be addressed now.
Where we can do better
As I moved into my 30s I developed a more rounded understanding of the value of my elders and this has proved especially valuable on the topic of parenting. I sought out guidance and opinion from dads with older kids during my parental leave and only one perspective was common throughout.
"I wish I had spent more time with my kids when they were young”
If this is so commonly understood by the older dads in the room, why is the current generation shunning the advice?
It is rocky ground for a dad to argue the virtues of a longer paternity leave which takes time away from maternity leave in a society which already favours men. But I believe this is exactly the conversation we need to have if we’re to find a true balance in the roles of men and women in society.
In conversations amongst partners about parental leave there should be no assumptions and nothing held back. We need to challenge gender stereotypes and make sure we’re making the best decision for us as families and not being guided by the generations before us.
As parents, if we want to leave a legacy of gender equality for the next generation, there is no need to rely on others, we can all make a difference in the choices we make.
Closing thoughts
There is of course no single answer for any family on the topic of parental leave. Each has their own personal decisions to make based on their own situation. However, something we can all do is be more open to the conversation and see each other as true partners and equals in caring for newborns.
As a potential dad, be honest with your partner about what you’d like your parental leave to look like and don’t assume this is a conversation reserved for mums-to-be.
As a mum-in-waiting, be open to dialogue about the options with your partner. Maybe a longer maternity leave is the answer but it will be much more rewarding when the genesis is a joint decision with your partner rather than the acceptance of a long-standing social norm.
This generation has a huge opportunity to assess how we see caregiver roles in society. If we want to break the age-old stereotype then it’s time to celebrate men in caregiver roles, continue to empower women at work and recognise that achieving true equality lies in the decisions we make at home as well as in the workplace.
Let’s get to work.
Views are my own and do not represent organisations or clients I have worked for
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